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The strengths and weaknesses of the ENFJ + INFJ couple

This question is from one of our amazing community members. They asked

“I would like to know the strengths and weaknesses of the ENFJ and INFJ pairing. My other half is an ENFJ and I’m an INFJ. We don’t seem to be on the same page with some things. Do you think it’s caused by the difference between being an extrovert and an introvert?

Thanks for this awesome question. Let’s get straight into it!

Because you don’t have specific examples of what the differences are I can’t I can’t give you a specific answer. But what I will say about the ENFJ and INFJ pairing is that you have the same cognitive functions but in a different order. Your grown-up functions are in reversed order and your Inner Child functions are in reverse order as well. Your 3 year old Inner Child is their 10 year old Inner Child, and vice versa. Your Adult Self is their Inner Parent and vice versa.

What that means is that you’re similar enough to feel like you have a lot in common, which I’m sure you do, but at the same time you’re different enough in your patterning and, in particular, your looping. When you’re both in your loops- for example, if you’re in your Introverted loop and your partner’s in their Extroverted loop you won’t meet each other. This can make you feel like you’re completely different and that you have nothing in common! That’s something I would keep an eye out for.

If you have 2 people who are introverts and they're in their Introverted loops generally there’s at least an understanding that you’re both being introverted, and not to poke the other person! Whereas when there is that Introvert/Extrovert dynamic it can be a bit different.

So, with certain things you won’t be on the same page because you’re triggered into your coping mechanisms, and usually that includes looping.

What are the strengths of these pairings? I think that there’s a baseline understanding you both have that there is an outward facing Feeling function which shows that you have a lot of empathy for the people and the situations around you and I think that’s something you can both embrace within each other. The other thing I think you can both really embrace is other people’s perspective. Everybody has their own perspective and you both understand that that’s ok. You’re naturally going to have a lot of harmony and perspective in both of your lives with the Witness and the Unifier both being in your grown-up functions. The challenge is when one of the Inner Children is engaged you can become ‘loopy’. Alternatively, if both your Inner Children are engaged, you can begin to compete about who is having the worst time. If you’re both in a bad place and both of your Inner Children are engaged, you might start comparing who is having the worst time of it. That’s not helpful in grown-up relationships.

Do I think it’s because of the Introversion/Extroversion axis? I think it plays a part for sure. But it’s not all of who you both are. It’s also good to remember that we are people and most of the time when you’re not on the same page, all you need to say is help me understand where you’re coming from. Generally that opens up the whole space for conversation so you can come out of that loop.

I would love to hear your own stories and experiences with navigating your relationship dynamics. Please leave a comment below, or share this blog post with your friends to start a conversation with them.

Thank you for sharing this space with me, and thank you for being a part of our vision of creating more compassionate and effective individuals and leaders all around the world.

Have a day full of wonder!

I’m Merja Sumiloff. I’m the Personality Decoder and I show my clients, and people who come to me, how to heal and grow their relationships without massive disruption to their day-to-day lives.


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